Good girls don’t get angry. It seems that this belief has ruled my life until recently. I created a problem with allowing this belief to govern my life because it didn’t mean that anger wasn’t a part of my very human customized 3d mink lashes. It meant that I didn’t allow myself to express anger, and instead, I locked it down within me and tried to throw away the key.Stlur
Even after my husband’s customized 3d mink lashes and subsequent guilt-ridden rages forced me to leave and seek safe refuge, I couldn’t express anger. I remember a counselor trying to convince me that it was safe to do so. Even as she offered her caring support and unconditional acceptance of whatever form my expression of anger might take, I couldn’t. I could not break down my inner wall and release all the negative energy that lay behind it. And so, I buried it… for years.
When my next partner turned on me in alcohol-fueled rages, I experienced hurt and fear, but I still didn’t express anger. When he belittled everyone who was dear to me, I forgave him and tried to show him a different way of being through my love and support. When he trashed me with ugly accusations and demeaning names, I tried to understand the pain that caused him to customized 3d mink lashes out as he did. When I allowed him to use me to do the work that he didn’t want to do or to soothe his inner torment, I still didn’t get angry. Instead, I tried to provide unconditional support for his needs.
There was a huge cost in my inner denial of anger. I didn’t allow myself to express it, but it was there… locked down within me, not going anywhere, seeking expression in other ways, such as debilitating joint pain. At first, I thought that pain was a messenger telling me about forgiveness work that was needed. A recent event seems to be revealing another message.
A series of interactions with an acquaintance led to a familiar feeling of being used. This relatively minor experience has resulted in weeks of feeling wracked with rage. What is boiling up from within me is more than anger; it is rage that screams within me when I wake in the middle of the night and before my eyes are open in the morning. It is rage that wrings me from the inside out. The force of what is erupting from within me is way beyond the irritation that would seem logical in the face of what transpired. This acquaintance is not the cause of my inner rage; this person is a trigger that finally tore the cover off the well of anger that I have stuffed down for years.
The “good girl” can’t run from her anger anymore. It is expressing itself, in spite of old beliefs that tried to deny it. It will not be held back any longer – and its expression is a good thing. This anger, this rage, is not who I am. I am the presence that is observing it. All I need to do is watch it arise and go, as many times as it takes for it to be expressed. I understand the freedom and peace that I will find in its release, and I know that it has nothing to do with my worth. All it is is unexpressed pain.
I am the spiritual presence in which it arises, and I am still that presence as it is released. This rage doesn’t define me or create a need for self-judgment. I am releasing it to the past where it belongs so that I can be free in this customized 3d mink lashes. I am not free yet, but I am on my way, and that is reason for heartfelt gratitude.
Dear spiritual sisters and brothers, I pray that you allow yourself to feel all emotions. Allow them to rise, feel their energy, and watch them dissipate and go. Be the observer, the spiritual awareness in which they come and go. You will find such freedom in that release. Notice the beliefs that limit and imprison you and release them. They are not you; your emotions are not you. You are the one who observes them. Namaste, my dears.